confession of a post, never posted.

A personal post about a personal struggle...

A few days ago, October 25th to be exact, was the date that marked 4 years of G and I being together, as a couple. I know that everyone looks at anniversaries differently, and many people after getting married forget about their dating anniversary, but for me this date is very special because I believe that God divinely placed us together in His timing for a purpose, which has been & is still being displayed to us since we've been together.

So, here's the confession. A couple weeks prior to our 4 year dating anniversary I was feeling very exited & sentimental about this upcoming anniversary, so I wrote a post about it and planned on posting it the day of. But, as you may or may not have noticed, there is no anniversary post up. & the reason is one I am compelled to share with you, who ever you are that chose to continue reading this, because I believe that sharing our struggles helps us love one another better, and reminds us that no one is perfect or has it all together. And by confessing, we are freed. G & I have talked about me sharing this here, and we are both in agreement about it because it may help someone else who is struggling.

The reason I never posted what I titled, "1,461 days of "us" on our dating anniversary is because I was feeling miserable beginning two days before it, the day of, and after it. & the truth is that this sad, lonely, doubting spirit seems to try and often does enter into my soul before every big or small anniversary we have shared since getting married.  During these times I feel extremely down and doubtful about our relationship. I begin to question its authenticity. I feel sad when I see other couples who appear happy through fb, instagram, or t.v. This sad cycle is viscous and hard to come out of. I despise it because it affects me so negatively, and I usually end up taking out my hurt on G.

I share this because I know that this is an attack. A spiritual, physical, and emotional attack and deception that the Enemy sends my way that pushes me into feeling sorry for myself, sad about the imperfections of our marriage, and physically and emotionally distant from not only G but others as well. If I am not purposefully aware of what's going on, it takes oven my mind. & this time I got really mad about it.

I am angry because this has happened so many times, & even when one form of attack seems to end, another comes in a different way to negatively affect me and my relationship with G. The lies and doubt begin while hopelessness and the feeling of not being good enough seems to win. After experiencing this over  & over again i decided to think about the Truth, and here's what I know. I know that the Truth is that He who is IN ME and WITH ME and He is who LOVES ME and who placed G and I together, till death - IS GREATER than he who is in the world.

I believe that God's purpose for our lives is greater than anything I can ever come up with, and the last thing that Satan wants is for people who love God and dedicate their lives to Him to be serving God together and to one day have kids who will be brought up knowing God and serving Him too. Because that very well may be one of the last things the Enemy wants, that's the first thing he chooses to attack in our lives; he attacks the core of our small family. When Satan wanted to destroy the perfect relationship between Man & God and Man & Wife, his strategy was to do that through deceiving Eve. & I believe he is trying to deceive me.

This is an area where I know God is present & G and I have experienced many times when these attacks draw us closer together (sometimes after pulling us apart first) but in the end we are stronger and more together in our love, patience, and compassion for each other and the journey that we are on alongside Christ. Also, we both know & keep in mind that we are in the process of redemption every day. So if you feel like there's an area in your life where you are consonantly being attacked, remember that Jesus is present with you right now, and "...he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4b. & I am so so thankful for that! Because right now, God wins! 

Below is the post I planned on posting on our dating anniversary 5 days ago. & today I feel so blessed to be able to struggle knowing that God is with me always, especially in the hard & not so happy times of life. I hope in sharing this that the Holy Spirit has touched you in some way, even if it be as basic as knowing that God is with you in your struggles. I believe as Christians we are not called to a life of pure bliss but to a life of pure suffering for Christ. Suffering, as we deny our flesh everyday as we journey into the process of sanctification until we meet Christ face to face. As I go through this process I pray, Lord I believe; please help my unbelief. I hope this has blessed you.

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On the twenty-fifth of October
Four years ago
G asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said Yes
& that was the beginning of a story that is still being written - from our perspective.
A story that is being revealed - by God's.

That night was one that was full of surprises! I must have told G in a previous conversation that I loved those. It was a Sunday and I had just came home from working that afternoon. I went straight to my room & to my surprise G was there! I laughed, but was very confused as to why he was at my house because I knew that only my dad had been at home. I asked G & he said he had been hanging out with my dad that day.

Huh? Why? (I remember laughing the entire time during this conversation!)
Because, he said, I wanted to talk to him about our relationship - and ask him permission to date you.
What!? You Did!? I was very shocked! & very happy!
What did he say, I asked.
He said I could date you if that was your desire. (enter butterflies in stomach & nerves!)

Saying yes to him that day was a defining moment in our lives. & even though at that moment I was only saying yes to dating, in my heart I knew I was saying yes to my future husband. Actually we both did, but we didn't discover the mutual feeling until we were engaged. & four years later, here we are celebrating not only four years of being together but two years & four months as the Olives - as Mr. & Mrs.

God has moved so evidently in our lives & has taught us so much over these years. Lots of faith-stretching, trust-building, and love-growing; especially in the last two years! (marriage does, times a million!)

I'm thankful to God for you G. So thankful for the love, patience, & honesty you show me every day. For your commitment & convictions for our relationship. I love you more than I did when you asked me to be your girlfriend that day & I pray, by God's grace, I will continue to love you better with Jesus as my constant example.

happy one thousand, four hundred and sixty-one days of "us"

Love, t Olive