words from the wiser: intimacy in marriage

Lately, God has been opening my eyes.

Spiritually and internally opening my eyes to the truths of life. Its a season of change, and dare I say, growth I've been praying for for a long time. Interestingly, I've been working on this post for a few weeks now, and this weekend fall has officially begun, the ultimate season of change, and it's this weekend that this post is finally done. Not a coincidence, Lord Jesus, you are GOOD.

Normally, I would keep this good news to myself. Afraid that saying it out load, or putting it on paper would jinx whats happening inside. But I refuse to let fear rule over my life any longer! I'm saying, "Fear, get the freak away from me! I'm moving into the light." This is a daily practice, and some days are better than others, but by the grace of God my mindset changing, and that is allowing me to see myself and others more graciously as we fight the good fight and run the race. 

Side note: please, PLEASE don't compare your life to the pictures I post on the blog. 

I know, it's kind of inevitable in one sense., and sometimes I do it too. 

But, what I mean is, please don't feel bad about your relationships, your struggles, your LIFE, 

by looking at images. 

These memories are some of the best moments of our life, the crème de la crème. 

The things I don't wanna forget, 

so when I'm having the hardest day or feel so discouraged I don't want to get out of bed 

(Yes, I have those days) I can look back and remember the blessings and feel grateful again. 

I think we all need those reminders sometimes. 

Although I always try to be transparent about the realities of marriage and faith and life, 

often when we're feeling vulnerable or down we cant help but compare. 

On that note, I''ll leave you with this: 

Darling, a beautiful thing is never perfect.

I saved this quote I saw on Instagram as a reminder to myself, that often times the beautiful things I see looking at others are a result of work. And often, lots of hard work that goes unseen. I can't think of a better transition to the topic of this NEW (its been a while!) words from the wiser post about intimacy.

Here's something that not many married couples talk about: struggling with sex. 

Oh yes, I went there. Sex is a delicate subject, a beautiful act and a life-changing experience. However, many make light of it. One night stands are common, and having sex on the third date, or any date before the one you say, "I do" has become normal. What saddens me is this: people have no idea of the trauma they are causing to their souls by living this way. There's a reason why God says it's not good for man to be alone. But the Bible also says, "...man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Eph. 5:31 God designed sex to be enjoyed in a bond only shared between a husband and wife. But what if you saved yourself for marriage, or understand the depths of what it means, and still sex is shameful, disappointing or is just non existent? Author and relationship expert Tracy McMillan says this: Relationships are a spiritual path. I couldn't agree more. Relationships are not linear, and neither is sex. Sex is spiritual, as well as emotional and physical. That's what makes it so complex, difficult at times and blissful in others. 

Aaron and Jennifer Smith (from Unveiled Wife) are a Christian couple who love Jesus, have a lot to say about this in their video titled, "Our Personal Struggle with Intimacy in Marriage" If you relate to struggling with sex and intimacy in your life, I'd encourage you to watch this video. It is honest, informational and encouraging. 

G and I have sure had our fair share of struggles with sex and intimacy in our marriage, which is one reason I wanted to share on this topic. But let me tell you something true: healing is possible! I don't say this from a place of perfection, or having reached an ideal place in life, but I do say it from a place of working hard through struggle again and again, with a lot of prayer and counsel, which I want more of! On the outside, we all look pretty put together, but no one ever really knows what's going on within a marriage, or a life from the outside. So lets be kind to ourselves, and to one another! Jesus loves us, and gives us freedom to work through our pain with Him on our side, and this is how healing happens. In the light, and not in hiding. In relationship, and not alone.

I hope you enjoyed this post and watch this video!  Even if just one person is encouraged by it and that person is you, know that you are not alone. If you'd like more content on this subject, or if you have any suggestions for future posts, please share in the comments and let me know!

with love always, 

Tiffany Olives

The Smiths YouTube Channel: Marriage After God

Featured photos by Fabiane Pavezzi at FabianePhotography

words from the wiser: 15 prayers

After reading through John Piper's 15 prayers for God's power, I was "mmming" and "yesing" through most! May we never forget that when we are in relationship with an Almighty, Powerful, and present God, He not only listens to our prayers but does miracles through them. 

Loving when you are constantly rejected is a miracle.
Having compassion when directly dealing with injustice is a miracle.
Returning good for evil is a miracle!

I pray for all these miracles to flourish in my life. These are the prayers that spoke to me most:

   * Lord, make me so mighty in war that I defeat every impulse in my soul that destroys peace (Hebrews 12:14; Romans 14:19; Matthew 5:9).

   * Lord, make me so mighty in my hardness against bitterness that tenderness of heart is not destroyed by wounds (Hosea 11:8; Ephesians 4:32; 1 Peter 3:8).

   * Lord, make my trunk and branches so mightily tough and impervious to wind and drought that I never cease to bear the fruit of gentleness (Galatians 5:23; James 3:17;1 Peter 3:4).

   * Lord, make me so mighty in serpentine discernment that I see every opening for dove-like love (Matthew 10:16).

   * Lord, make me so mightily unmoved by the sting and deceits of injustice against me that I may feel and show the miracle of undeserved compassion (Luke 10:23;15:20; Hebrews 10:34; 1 Peter 3:8).

   * Lord, make me so mighty in resisting the bait of frenzied productivity that I never cease to enjoy the still waters of prayer and your sweet presence (Psalm 23:2;Isaiah 46:10; Luke 10:42).

   * Lord, make me so mighty in seeing and mighty in savoring the promises of your sovereign grace that in all my sorrows I might never cease to sing your praise (Matthew 5:11-12; Acts 16:25; 2 Corinthians 6:10; 1 Peter 4:13).

To read the 15 prayers click HERE

I hope you're blessed and encouraged by God's grace in your life today. Even if you don't feel Him, rest in the assurance that He says He will never leave or forsake YOU. (Ps. 37:28; Rom. 8:31)

words from the wiser: pro-human

"History, genocides, Nazism, racism, haven’t they all proved, at the very least, this to humanity: 

It’s when we dehumanize anyone, that we can legitimize anything.

We may be a smaller human in utero — but the *size* of a human being has never determined value of a human being.

We may be a less developed human in utero — but the *developmental level* of a human being has never determined that one has less worth as a human being.

We may be in a particular environment as a human in utero — but *where a human being is, has never determined whether one was respected as a human being.*

We may be more dependent as a human in utero —- but being dependent on another human being for life has never determined *that anyone can simply end your life.*

That’s what this generation is about — *not turning a blind eye to any distress of any human anywhere* -- *woman or child.*

This is the generation that’s ready to do whatever it takes to work toward the mutual flourishing of *all humans,* in all places — in utero and in crisis. The generation that will be Pro-Human -- *for the human in a hard place, and for the human in utero.*

We won't turn away from the women in crisis, or the humans in utero, we won't stay quiet, because to stay quiet in the face of human suffering, is to be complicit in that human suffering... so we will share & reach out & use our voices & be Pro Voice & we will be Pro-Human... all humans, all made in the image of God..."

Ann Voskamp

Coming back from my break from blogging for this, because I believe the topic is too important not to talk about. Ann's words are dear to my heart because like her I believe being Pro-Human is what the gospel is all about. As a Christian who is angered, saddened and disgusted by what Planned Parenthood is doing, I think we must stand for both the unborn children and the woman who need support in such a fragile time of life. 

Jesus came to seek and to save the lost, not to shun or shame. May we do the same, in love, and be the face of Jesus to all human beings. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10 

Read more by Ann Voskamp on this issue HERE / It is well worth the read.

wftw: real people make real love

It's sure been a while since sharing one of these posts, or really writing any posts at all. The "boring" truth is that life has been crazy busy, and we are still adjusting to solo computer sharing. But...thanks to Ann Voskamp's brilliantly written and tender words, I am more than ok with my non-exciting reasons for not having time to write. I needed the reminder that life IS so much more than what we actually share with the rest of the world. Our worlds. Our own lives. And the details in them that would never make us famous or popular; these are often the ones that matter most.

I have shared Ana's words on words from the wiser before, and this post is no less brilliant. It touches deep into the truths and longings of a heart often broken and left confused, but knows truth and love in Christ, expressed so fully in our marriage.

But even if marriage isn't your reality right now, or maybe you're married and sad, or dating, single, happy, or lonely - I encourage you to read these words of love. May God speak to us still.

. . . . . . . . . .

How Real People Make Shades of Real Love

"I could weep for a quiet love like this, the kind of love they don’t write movies about, but the Maker writes down in a book of His own.

It’s not the kind of flashy that makes any red carpet, but it’s the kind of unforgettable love that runs red.

It doesn’t matter one iota what the checkout glossies tout: Sacrifice is the most attractive of all.

And boring love is what touches the deepest– our lives boring down deep into each other’s hearts.

And I have loved you as the hero-of-few-words who has rescued me day in and day out, without any fanfare or flash.

You have lived and bore the weight of it — I am far worse than I ever dreamed. And yet you have loved me beyond what I could ever dream. You have lived Gospel to me.

It’s happening without any headlines: our hearts are quietly boring into each other, us just letting our fingers find each other, our eyes linger. Boring love is what drills wells that taste like wine."

*Full post by Ann: HERE // Website:  http://www.aholyexperience.com/

wftw: sadness

After experiencing one of the most emotionally tough days I have had in a while, I came across this article that clarified so much of what I have been going through. So I post it here in hopes that it will help or clarify "tears" in the life of someone else who is struggling. We need to know the truth— that it is ok, even beneficial for us to cry when experiencing loss; it's ok to feel our pain. God created us with emotions and I believe part of their purpose is to point us to God himself. Jesus created tears and shed them. He knows our pain.

Here's a favorite excerpt from the article from Relevant Magazine with the link to the entire work below.

Sadness Doesn't Mean We Are Struggling in Our Faith
by Sean Bess

We often act like tears are silly or selfish—and they can be, but they can also be life—affirming. I believe in the soul, in part, because of tears. There are evolutionary reasons for tears-like washing out debris from around the eyes—but humans are the only creatures that cry due to grief. I think it's possible we cry tears of grief as a way of washing out debris from around our souls.

Have you lost someone? Cry. Are you having a really rough day? Cry. The smile will stretch back across your face in time, but sometimes in order for this to genuinely happen, you have to allow the tears pool in your eyelids and draw hot lines down your cheeks.

One of the best things you can do with heartache of any sort is to allow yourself to feel it. However, there seems to be a prevailing movement of positive thinking in the Church—sometimes it looks a lot like happiness worship—and it’s leaving less and less room in its theology for tears.

But even Jesus wept.

read more: HERE

wftw: comparison

I love this conversation about comparison from Brooke & Summer, my favorite Girls with Glasses. 

"Don't compare yourself because you are special just the way you are. All the intricate details of your life, no one else has those details." Summer Bellessa

words from the wiser: anyway love

Thanks to having some free time at my internship this week, I was able to read multiple articles about marriage sent by our Executive Director at Cornerstone, and this one by Gary Thomas really stood out to me. We read his book, Sacred Marriage (which we highly recommend) when we were engaged and I am currently reading Sacred Influence right now (thanks mom!) & am loving it. These 'words from the wiser' posts have been some of my favorite to share, and I hope you have been enjoying the wisdom from others by reading them. What does "anyway love" mean and how does it look like Jesus' love? Let's find out and read...

Anyway Love

To love anyway is to love like God – and to learn about God's love for us.

"On Valentine's Day, Meg went all out, giving her husband, Peter, his favorite candy and tickets to a hockey game. Later that night, she wrapped herself in a special outfit purchased just for the occasion.

Peter got her a card.
At the grocery store.
That he purchased on the way home from work.
He didn't add anything to it, either. He just signed it, "Peter."

A couple of days later, Meg tried to explain that she felt a little taken for granted. Apparently, Peter misunderstood her intent because two months later, when they celebrated their anniversary, Peter didn't get Meg anything.

"How could you not get me anything for our anniversary?" she asked Peter the next day. "Especially after our conversation about Valentine's Day."

"Well, I thought about getting you something, but it didn't work out," he replied. "And then I knew not to get you a card because you said you didn't like that last time."
"It's not that I didn't like the card. It's that the card alone seemed a little sparse. But even that is better than nothing ..."

Several months later, Meg had a birthday. This time, Peter got her a present – a kitchen tool set. Several weeks before, Meg had asked to borrow Peter's tape measure and screwdriver. Peter figured that Meg should have her own small set of kitchen tools so she didn't have to borrow his.

Meg recounted all this and then explained how she had tried to get her husband to read several how-to books on loving your spouse. He would read the first few pages, lose interest and never pick the book up again.

"I've realized this is never going to change," she confessed. "But I love him anyway."

Because ...
That last statement of Meg's, "but I love him anyway," is one of the most profound theological statements on marriage I've ever heard. Most of us base love on because, not on anyway. I love you because you're good to me. I love you because you're kind, because you're considerate, because you keep the romance alive.

But in Luke 6:32-36, Jesus says we shouldn't love because. We should love anyway. If we love someone because that person is good to us, or gives back to us, or is kind to us, we're acting no better than anyone else. In essence, Jesus is saying you don't need the Holy Spirit to love a man who remembers every anniversary – not just the anniversary of your marriage, but the anniversary of your first date and your first kiss. Any woman could love a man like that. Or if you love a wife who lavishes you with sports gifts, who goes out of her way to make you comfortable when you get home from work and who wants sex anytime you do – well, you're doing what any man would do. There's no special credit in that!

But if you love a spouse who disappoints you, who can be a little self-absorbed – now you're loving anyway. In doing that, you're following the model of the heavenly Father, who loves the ungrateful and the wicked.

... Or Anyway
Will you love only because? Or are you willing to love anyway? Will you love a man or woman who doesn't appreciate your sacrifice? Will you love a husband or wife who takes you for granted? Will you love a spouse who isn't nearly as kind to you as you are to him or her?

Just about every faithless marriage is based on because love. Christians are called to anyway love. That's what makes us different. That's what gives glory to God. That's what helps us appreciate God's love for us, because God loves us anyway. He gives and gives and gives – and we take Him for granted. He is eager to meet with us, and we get too busy to notice Him. He is good to us, and we accuse Him mercilessly when something doesn't go just the way we planned it.

But God loves us anyway. To love anyway is to love like God – and to learn about God's love for us.
That's love, the way God intended it."

click HERE to read more about relationships & marriage by Focus on the Family

& to read more words from the wiser, click HERE

words from the wiser & jersey week snippets

"Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never 

forget how you made them feel."

"While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else 

and everything else are also God's creation."

"All great achievements require time."

"If you have only one smile in you give it to the people you love."

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."

"If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded."

"But still, like air, she rises. Yes Ma'am. Rise, Rise Rise." 

"I know for sure that loves saves me and that it is here to save us all."

"Have enough courage to love."

All quotes by & in honor of Maya Angelou (1928-2014)

words from the wiser: people, God & life

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Dr. Kent M. Keith

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. (emphasis added)

Colossians 2:13-17

In light of this, lets not live "others consumed" lives, because life was always & will ever be between us & God anyway. Of course, our relationships with each other matter greatly, but anyone placed before God becomes an idol; God's opinion of us should matter far more.

I hope this was helpful to your journey in some way. Have a great last April weekend, friends..

words from the wiser: empathy

As a Pre-Counseling Major at Moody you take lots of really deep classes that force you to look at your life and ask questions like, Who am I? Why do I do what I do? What is God calling me to today? and Have I become more like Christ in the past 90 days? etc... Honestly, I did not expect my classes to have such an impact on my self-awareness and spiritual formation but I thank God that it has.

In another light though, along with these classes are those that teach skills in how to effectively help others who need counsel or just some one to talk to. So,one skill that my wise professor Nancy never fails to talk about is Empathy. Empathy is entering into the world of another person, into their pain, and being with them in it. It is identifying the pain of another and not dismissing it, but connecting to your own pain in order to support them in theirs. I never realized how much of a vital skill it was until I started practicing it with people I talked to & it really made a difference.

I meet with a group of Pre-Counseling majors every week on a team called The Movement (shout out to them!) and in this weeks meeting, our leader Jenna showed us this video about Empathy I really wanted to share after seeing. The person speaking is Dr. Brené Brown, a professor who researches topics like vulnerability and shame. Her words are taken from a Ted Talk she did, but the animation added to her words is what got my attention because helps what she's saying come alive and become a bit more tangible. Even if cute cartoon animals don't appeal to you, please watch this video & maybe learn something new about how to empathize well with others living with pain.

"we heal in community" Nancy Kane

You can watch Brené Brown's two Ted Talks and learn more about her here.

Love, t Olive

words from the wiser: love

"Love’s this life-weaving, a braid of a three fold cord, Love Himself in the center."

Love HIMSELF, in the center. I just love that so much. 

I recently read a couple posts titled "3 Marriage Habits Every Marriage Needs– because it’s worth falling in love again" and "Redefining Boring" from Ann Voskamp's website. Her books have touched millions, and still she writes on the Journal part of her website, wise testimonies about life. I found her words in these posts to be so beautiful and true to what G and I have been learning over these past 2 (and almost a half!) married years together. (& honestly, I just love having a reason to post a photo from my favorite day of life thus far)

So, in learning these lessons again and again, I thought I'd share Ann's words with you. 

Whether you are married or single, I pray it blesses you. 

May we strive to receive & to give - Love

to & from 

our spouses 

our family

our friends

our neighbors

and the people we encounter every day. 

Love, t Olive