In May of 2019 we had the pleasure of being photographed by our dear friend Fabz at fabianephotography when her and Merc came to town for a few days! Every time Fabz takes photos for us it's special because she's been there from the very the beginning of our relationship. From the friendship years, to taking our save the date photos, to photographing us in our first home in Chicago and now in the third city we've called home. It's been quite an adventure! Every shoot came in a different season, and this one was no less significant in it's own unique way.
(by the way, this is gonna get heavy...)
When we took these last year, we were living through a really unexpected difficult time. I didn't realize it then, but I was struggling with feelings of depression for a while, and all I knew was I didn't feel like myself and felt sad most of the time. At that point I was just trying to push through. I mean, we were still new to Miami, had gotten visitors from home every few weeks since we moved, and to my surprise really loved our new home already! I wasn't home sick, so my understanding of why I felt sad and heavy was little to none. What did I do with all this, you might be wondering? I kept the feelings to myself, sure they would soon go away. And I was wrong - SO wrong. At the shoot, I really felt different and at a loss. I kept thinking, "Why don't I feel happier right now? What's wrong with me? What am I supposed to do?" It was heart breaking; I felt embarrassed and stuck.
Fast forward 6 months to when I saw the photos for the first time, overwhelmed with emotion I cried! I saw something I didn't feel at the time because I was so caught up in my mind. In these photos, I saw steady, unwavering love. This may not be mind blowing to you, but when I say I could not feel or see much besides the sadness in me, and then to see physical proof that there was more to the story, THIS is glory. This is grace! I see happiness, laughter, fun, connection, presence and beauty all around us. There is so much more to the darkness, so much more to the pain. There is God, He is present, holding us through it all. There is unconditional love I couldn't feel at the time, but was there all along. I knew it in my mind, and I fought for joy most days, but the truth is hard to see when you are constantly bombard with lies. It's completely overwhelming, and if you've experienced anything like this I'm sure you know what I mean. But the truth is there and the truth WILL set you free; the truth is very clear: In your deepest darkness is always the presence Light. For my 26th birthday I tattooed the phrase "He is my light" on the back of my arm because it's a truth that God has shown me over and over again, not only through His presence but also through the people around me.
Maybe you are the light right now in someones dark pain. Or maybe you are in the dark.
Wherever you find yourself this January, remind yourself that you are loved, you are valued and you make a difference in this world. In your sadness, there can be joy. Both gratitude and pain, love and sorrow, strength and weakness...these can all live together in the same space at the same time.
I'm SO grateful to my husband G, my family and closest friends for being the face of Jesus in my life. Sharing what I was feeling with a few close people I trusted is what helped me. It helped me gain perspective, get out of my own head, and feel loved and cared for during that time. I prayed and listened to encouraging sermons constantly, but it was trusting people enough to open my heart in my deep struggle that really set me free. Jesus uses people! He uses us in the lives of others to do things greater than He did, remember? He said we would himself, with His Holy Spirit living in us. But I caution you to choose those people wisely. Choose people who've earned your trust, have your back and who love you no matter what. I'm so grateful for those people. I'm so grateful for breakthrough and no longer being depressed! Thank you Jesus! And I'm so grateful for these images.
Fabz, I am so thankful for YOU girl, for your friendship and your art! I'll cherish these forever.
Go ahead and check her out on IG @fabianephotography + at her blog fabianephotography.com and hire her immediately! You wont regret it <3
A few of my favorite images with a message I think the shines through: you are not alone.
Weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning
If you are suffering, know that your morning is coming - feel free to reach out if you need support.
You are not alone
Psalm 34:18
*My jumpsuit inspired by Mara Hoffman found HERE
