first family photos in Miami!

In May of 2019 we had the pleasure of being photographed by our dear friend Fabz at fabianephotography when her and Merc came to town for a few days! Every time Fabz takes photos for us it's special because she's been there from the very the beginning of our relationship. From the friendship years, to taking our save the date photos, to photographing us in our first home in Chicago and now in the third city we've called home. It's been quite an adventure! Every shoot came in a different season, and this one was no less significant in it's own unique way. 

(by the way, this is gonna get heavy...)

When we took these last year, we were living through a really unexpected difficult time. I didn't realize it then, but I was struggling with feelings of depression for a while, and all I knew was I didn't feel like myself and felt sad most of the time. At that point I was just trying to push through. I mean, we were still new to Miami, had gotten visitors from home every few weeks since we moved, and to my surprise really loved our new home already! I wasn't home sick, so my understanding of why I felt sad and heavy was little to none. What did I do with all this, you might be wondering? I kept the feelings to myself, sure they would soon go away. And I was wrong - SO wrong. At the shoot, I really felt different and at a loss. I kept thinking, "Why don't I feel happier right now? What's wrong with me? What am I supposed to do?" It was heart breaking; I felt embarrassed and stuck. 

Fast forward 6 months to when I saw the photos for the first time, overwhelmed with emotion I cried! I saw something I didn't feel at the time because I was so caught up in my mind. In these photos, I saw steady, unwavering love. This may not be mind blowing to you, but when I say I could not feel or see much besides the sadness in me, and then to see physical proof that there was more to the story, THIS is glory. This is grace! I see happiness, laughter, fun, connection, presence and beauty all around us. There is so much more to the darkness, so much more to the pain. There is God, He is present, holding us through it all.  There is unconditional love I couldn't feel at the time, but was there all along. I knew it in my mind, and I fought for joy most days, but the truth is hard to see when you are constantly bombard with lies. It's completely overwhelming, and if you've experienced anything like this I'm sure you know what I mean. But the truth is there and the truth WILL set you free; the truth is very clear: In your deepest darkness is always the presence Light. For my 26th birthday I tattooed the phrase "He is my light" on  the back of my arm because it's a truth that God has shown me over and over again, not only through His presence but also through the people around me.  

Maybe you are the light right now in someones dark pain. Or maybe you are in the dark. 

Wherever you find yourself this January, remind yourself that you are loved, you are valued and you make a difference in this world. In your sadness, there can be joy. Both gratitude and pain, love and sorrow, strength and weakness...these can all live together in the same space at the same time. 

I'm SO grateful to my husband G, my family and closest friends for being the face of Jesus in my life. Sharing what I was feeling with a few close people I trusted is what helped me. It helped me gain perspective, get out of my own head, and feel loved and cared for during that time. I prayed and listened to encouraging sermons constantly, but it was trusting people enough to open my heart in my deep struggle that really set me free. Jesus uses people! He uses us in the lives of others to do things greater than He did, remember? He said we would himself, with His Holy Spirit living in us. But I caution you to choose those people wisely. Choose people who've earned your trust, have your back and who love you no matter what. I'm so grateful for those people. I'm so grateful for breakthrough and no longer being depressed! Thank you Jesus! And I'm so grateful for these images. 

Fabz, I am so thankful for YOU girl, for your friendship and your art! I'll cherish these forever.

Go ahead and check her out on IG @fabianephotography + at her blog fabianephotography.com and hire her immediately! You wont regret it <3

A few of my favorite images with a message I think the shines through: you are not alone.

Weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning

If you are suffering, know that your morning is coming - feel free to reach out if you need support. 

You are not alone

 Psalm 34:18

*My jumpsuit inspired by Mara Hoffman found HERE

a holy moley kind of month

Do you experience this?

Praying and hoping and hustling for a season of life, and feeling like, "What is happening?" "What am I doing?" Ahhhhhhh! Over and over again? The past few weeks I've found myself thinking, am I really about to do this? Am I really going to push myself so beyond anything I've ever done before, to see if maybe, just maybe things will be different this time. Maybe this thing I've wanted for years but have never done will work out and I'll be closer to living my best life if I try this one thing? Maybe...

He're the thing - "maybe" is an unpredictable kind of word. It's a high risk, heart break probable vulnerability that once you act on, you really don't know what you're in for. It could be great - making the move to another country, asking your boss for that promotion, investing in friendships, running a marathon, trying a new hobby, starting the new job or business, saying no to the things you don't want to do but your family expects you to do.

Maybe! Maybe those decisions turn out to be amazing and you get the promotion, have a new awesome friend, or start your dream job beaming because you took the risk and did it! But maybe things fall apart. You dislike the new city your in, get a hard "no" for the raise you wanted, or get rejected by loved ones for making choices they never would. Being brave in decision making is a hard, hard thing to do because the desired results are not guaranteed no matter how brave you are. But let me tell you, whether you get rejection or praise - the fact that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and courageous for yourself will lead you to grow in areas you never thought you could. I know this is true, because in the past two months its been happening to me.

My girl Brené Brown says it best: "You cant get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability."

So go and rumble! Whether that means looking at your life and really seeing the areas you need to change and grow.  Or doing the thing you know you've wanted to do or try all these years! You know what they are; the good things that have been on your mind but you've ignored because, life. Friend, You may have to say "no" to some things to say "yes" to the good stuff.  It's your life! You decide what's worth it.

I know that some of my Christian friends feel repulsed by this. In the past, I may have been too. You may be thinking, "My life is not my own, to You I belong. I give myself, I give myself to You." (If you know you know) Let me offer this thought: Jesus came to free us of our guilt and shame! Not only that, He tells us that the greatest commandment is to love Him with everything we have, and equally love our neighbor we love our self. I believe that part of loving yourself is working towards meeting to your needs (love, food, community, health etc) and pursuing your God given dreams in the short life you've been given. You were born with gifts and talents, and pursuing them is not a self indulgent mischievous act, it's part of the unique plan that God has created you to live out! We are free in Jesus name, and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! Yes, our faith and hope is in Him, but we cant stop there. Faith and works go together.

So stop condemning yourself for making yourself a priority. Stop shaming yourself for wanting to pursue the desires of your heart because no one around you is doing anything similar. Jesus does not condemn you, and neither do I. And you know what, doing what you need to do for yourself not only affects you in a positive way, it affects those around you and serves them in ways you cant even image. I never understood the Gospel so clear until now; I never understood it so fully until I started loving myself practically, every single day. That is when I truly learned that I am worthy of love.

It will be hard and you will have to sacrifice. But, it will be worth it. You'll never know where your decision to act may lead until you try. In the past few weeks we've seen the fruition of so many months and years worth of prayer, seeking and risk taking. It's taken years for some of these things to happen, but they are happening at the right time because I believe that like Ecclesiastes 3 says, there is a time for everything.

Here are some photos from the past few weeks - weeks of grace and blessing and risking and sacrificing -  I never want to forget. Thank you Lord <3

pool time the week we found out we both had new jobs

Music and drinks at Wynwood Yard - one of our favorite places in Miami

Facetime with my Indian baby whom I love so freaking much my heart hurts!

 Walks on Miami beach with my love between apartment hunting

I'm working out more than I ever have in my life and feel so good from the inside out

and started a job at Anthro + got promoted the fist week! Insane.

a bit of fall here and there

 ^ Celebrated 9 epic years with this guy ^

Furniture shopping. SO.MUCH.FURNITURE.SHOPPING. and thrifting, of course.

portrait mode, just because.

and beach-side dancing with the 50+ crowd! lol Probably our most stereotypical Florida moment yet!