we will know Him more deeply

Sunday.

You know when life just feels so impossible, when sadness just looms? This defined the beginning of last week completely. I felt so overwhelmed by the circumstances that were not going the way I hoped & dreamed in my life, my marriage to g & our future. Trust. Again, this battle with trusting the Lord with all your heart and leaning not on your own understanding. This struggle felt like it was defining my life. It had been for a long time.

Monday.

A long & hard day. I took no photos, which for me says it all. Heavy, sad, lost, hopeless.

Tuesday.

Was unbearable. I felt extremely low most of the morning & called my mom in the afternoon. I shared what I was feeling and just cried. I spent time with Iman which always brightens my day (we love this park) and spoke with G that night by the Navy Peir. That conversation that was full of mixed emotions and was so hard at times for the both of us, but in the end we both felt the same - our relationship in the midst of imperfect circumstances was worth fighting for. For a moment I gave up on things getting better. I thought, I'll just have to settle & force myself to be happy with the way things are. Just be sad always. But g loves me so well; his comfort and wise words in my lowest days allow me to see the light again. & I knew things would change for the better. Reminded that there was more to life than my current woes. 

Wednesday.

I had the day off and woke up with a sudden change of mind. I will not put all of my trust in circumstance. No, God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever. In Christ there is joy and peace. I listened to a message from John Piper that morning about suffering, and was so encouraged. He affirmed my pain for what had been lost or was simply not present in my life at this moment, but also confirmed that we need to consider only Christ as gain (Phil. 3:5-11) in this life and all else as loss because Christ can never be taken away from us, but all else can. I had been placing my happiness and joy in what had been lost, so there I was - lost. But I feel my eyes have been literally opened to the truth that all I do have is a gift; Jesus - He is all that I need. I exercised that day & cooked delicious healthy food. Body, mind, spirit & soul - I felt so lead to feed every part of me. 

G & I went for a really amazing walk that night and it was like magic; everything seemed different & life felt good again. Circumstances, mostly the same, but no longer in control of everything. 

Thursday.

Another day that felt uplifting even though I was stuck at my internship all day. & a sunset walk that was pretty magical. Again, I see the light; God is near. My fears fading, embracing imperfection. 

Friday.

G's boss was giving away free tickets to the Bears game. No, football is not my idea of a special date, but again I felt like God was saying I'm here. I see you, I know what you're going through & I will provide. We decided to walk home, and we're not quite sure why because it's about a 3.5 mile walk, but we did it & found $20 on the ground of Michigan Ave. What?! 

This famous street is filled with people constantly, yet the bill laid right there before us. We were in shock & so excited walking the rest of the way home in disbelief. 

Saturday. 

I woke up feeling blessed. After having brunch paid by our $20 find, I was thankful & overwhelmed by knowing God was with us & on our side. I shared  this with g on our walk to the zoo. He smiled & agreed, all these things were not just coincidence. Each small & large blessing is from Him, you see. This is what He has been showing me lately. This week was special & I know it was so uniquely orchestrated by God Himself. All of life is, but now I am reminded by this. He is leading me into deeper trusting. 

In loss & pain & confusion, Christ; our only hope & constant Love. In the message I heard from Piper that Wednesday, one of the last things that he said was this, 

"We will know Him more deeply through suffering." 

Yes, I will continue to pray & affirm, I long to know you Lord.